When Momma Aint Happy.....

Nobody's Happy. That's how I might describe the Hogan household lately. Strange things are a brewing here in Richmond - and added all together, they're making for one sleep deprived, irritable Momma.


PROBLEM #1 - Sciatica. Yes, guess what decided to rear it's ugly head again. After my miraculous recovery from sciatica after about a month's worth of suffering, I decided we had a 10 pound baby cooking away in my nether regions to blame for all of that discomfort. My guess is that now I have a 20 pound 4 month old whom I have to lug around in a awkward and none too light itself infant carrier to blame for my flare up. Add a 23 pound 2 year old who REFUSES to walk (see problem #2) and imagine how my lower back feels when I have to tote these two into and out of our house. Once poor Jay makes an appearance in the evenings, he is forced to do all of the heavy - and sometimes not so heavy - lifting. I have drawn the line at asking him to lift my coffee cup to my lips. Last night I even had trouble finding a comfortable sleeping position - not that I really needed to worry about sleeping (see problem #7).


PROBLEM #2 - Lois refuses to walk. By all accounts she has mastered every skill she needs to do so - and is perfectly capable of walking across the room at this very moment. But she refuses to do it. One day several weeks ago she took two independent steps between Jay and I. I went to bed that night thinking we had mounted some last kind of hurdle and that within the week she would be off and running. Oh no. Lest we forget, Lois did this exact same thing when she learned to crawl. One day she made several halting attempts - seemed on the verge of a breakthrough - and for the next two weeks disavowed any knowledge of ever having known how to propel herself across a room. To make matters worse, she seems to be regressing. She used to walk beside us holding only one hand. Now she refuses to attempt even that. I won't go into the psychology of what I think is going on in Lois's brain - I'll let you draw your own conclusions. But as her mother, she's frustrating the ever loving crap out of me - especially in light of problem #1.

PROBLEM #3 - We have too many damn animals. Before kids, 2 cats and 2 dogs seemed totally manageable. Now - I'd like to take three of the four and dump them at my sister's house. ( I'd still like to visit from time to time. And one cat, Kellogg, is my boyfriend and isn't going anywhere.) Keep in mind that one dog - Humphrey - is epileptic. He takes more medication than most octogenarians and costs us a cool $50 a month - and just last week had a "breakthrough" seizure. What the junk??? How can an animal as medicated as he is still have misfiring brain cells? I'm surprised he has any brain cells left at all. His blood levels have to be carefully monitored to be sure the medication he takes isn't harming his liver - and because he's having breakthrough seizures they will have to up his dosage - AGAIN - which will require 2 vet trips and 2 blood level checks. I think we spend more on that dog's health than we do on our own. Add to this frustration the fact that our female cat has decided to stop eating, grooming, rising from her bed - she's generally just checked out, it seems. She needs to see the vet, too. Do you think Jay can handle a rambunctious, poorly behaved dog and a sick cat at one time? I think I'll send Lois with him just for fun.


PROBLEM #3 - The Pittsburgh Steelers. Those of you who have a long standing love affair with a professional sports team will understand my pain. How can the defending Super Bowl champions start the season with two loses - one of those being to CINCINNATI? Oh, the horror! Sunday nights at my house have become great chasms of despair as I watch my team fall apart on the field. Did I mention they lost to CINCINNATI?

PROBLEM #4 - Lois is scheduled to get her bone conduction hearing aid next week. Good news? Well, I guess it should be after two years of run around about Lois's hearing or lack thereof. But our audiologist recently dropped the bomb that Lois would be required to wear a leather headband to hold the device to her head. First of all, say what? A headband? As if we didn't have enough hair problems. Secondly, the darn thing is going to be PINK. No worries, my audiologist tells me! I can decorate it with flowers and bows. I think I threw up a little in my mouth when she said that. Thirdly, I'm supposed to get Lois to wear this tight leather headband without ripping it off and throwing it across the room? There aren't enough Hebrew National hotdogs in the state of Virginia to bribe her into leaving this thing on her head. I can't wait.

PROBLEM #5 - I have a slew of emails that haven't been answered, phone calls that haven't been made, a DSAGR newsletter that's scheduled for delivery on Wednesday that still isn't finished, and a TIVO full of shows I haven't watched. Why? Because it seems all I ever do when one or both kids are sleep is laundry. Seriously. Where do all these clothes come from? How is it possible that we use 35 bibs in one day? Just when I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, I discover a basket full of dirty towels - or I decide I can't take the smell of wet dog on my sheets anymore and change them - causing another two hours of work for myself. Can't you fold laundry while Lois is awake, you ask? There is just no point in trying, because Lois likes to "help" - and by help I mean take everything I've already folded out of the baskets and scatter them across the living room floor. She likes to stuff Jay's socks in her mouth so that when I pick them up from the dining room where she has carried them, they have to go straight back into the ever present pile behind the couch because they are sodden with cracker laden spittle. It's depressing, people.


PROBLEM #6 - Forget everything I said about Lois's being ready to fly. Preschool has become more of a crash and burn scenario since day two. Day one? All was well. Day two? I got a phone call while doing a major grocery haul that she had been sobbing her guts out all morning. By the time I raced to the check out they called back to say she was in the director's office sound asleep. Since then, each day has been progressively slightly better (or so they tell me) but she still gets in my car every afternoon with a puffy, splotchy face. It's breaking my heart -but I think the best thing for Lois is to keep at it and hope she gets the hang of it. Or at least that's what I'm telling myself.


PROBLEM #7 - Mac turns into a demon at 6pm every night. Getting him to sleep is like a contest of wills - and although he has yet to win - I'm getting close to letting him. He has trouble sleeping in his crib (our fault) and although we've worked hard to get him there for the past week, he wakes up like clockwork at 1am very unhappy with his current state. So we transfer him to his bouncy seat. That used to be enough for him. But for the past several nights, he's decided to get himself good and cranked up so that all our normal tricks don't appease him. The first two times he did it, I fed him and he went right back to sleep. But is that really what I should do? He doesn't need to eat in the middle of the night. He used to sleep 10 hours straight and wake up happy as a clam at 7am. What the heck happened? Last night I got him back to sleep no fewer than 5 times only to have him wake back up and tell me a thing or two about what he thinks of me. At 4am I told Jay I'd had it - and Jay brewed himself a pot of coffee and fed the little (huge) beast. I don't know what to do with him, but he's working on getting himself donated to the Goodwill for a hefty tax write off.

I think you've heard enough from me, Mrs. Grouchy Von Groucherston. I apologize for not posting flashback fridays for two weeks in a row. Somehow, you'll have to carry on and hope for better from me this week. Although, at the rate things are going, I wouldn't hold your breath.